Stuck. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and magically be transported to a new life, a life where I am not tethered to my husband, a life where I have learned to stand on my own and achieved true independence.
The decision to split was made a little over a year ago and now we are marking time together, waiting for our youngest son to finish high school. But I know in my heart that a dysfunctional dependency exist between us that will make the final break incredibly difficult.
To be honest, I simply do not want to go through all the messy work of dividing assets, dealing with lawyers and mediators. I want to keep my family intact. In other words, I want to have my cake and eat it too.
Ideally I would like this to all go smoothly. I would like to forgive and forget the past. But I am not there yet. And I am beginning to wonder if it is possible to get there while still living under the same roof with this man.
We have both made mistakes, we have both contributed to the demise of our marriage. And while he thinks he has taken ownership of his mistakes, I don’t believe he really has. He has committed major financial infidelity. While he acknowledges he has made mistakes, he has not changed his ways. I believe he lacks the ability to learn from his mistakes.
I also feel a responsibility towards this man, I feel I need to take care of him. And I believe he in turn wants to be taken care of. A family therapist informed me last December that he can indeed take care of himself. So perhaps I am enabling him.
As for me, I raged on and on about money for years, allowing every trigger to send me into a panic. Fear has been my constant companion when it comes to money and that fear has totally exacerbated our situation. And try as I might to change the tapes in my head, some of them still continue to play, especially when I am left with minimal financial resources. In the past, my husband has been my scapegoat. I have blamed him for my inability to move forward to change myself, to change my thinking. By blaming him, I have kept myself stuck. I need to take full responsibility for my actions, my words and my thoughts if I am to truly move forward with my life.
I am determined to make peace with money. I have experienced the power of changing my thinking. By focusing on what I want to bring into my life instead of on what is missing, I have brought about significant changes. I know this is possible.